Dear Trump


English celebrities aren’t a patch on our American cousins. The teeth! The collagen injections! The breast enhancements! The penile implants!

Us Brits prefer curling up with our smartphones tweeting sarcastic comments about Brexit (Pro or Remain, your choice) whilst farting into our favourite sofa cushion. Those that want to actually crack the media industry need to be six foot classically trained beauties like Dua Lipa – rare genetic species.

Like our weather, we like our politics grey and drab. Could you imagine Theresa May as US President? Or Jeremy Corbyn, aka Catweasel?

Of course not.

And  if the Donald would get over his mad plan to get Mexico to pay for the wall (I mean come on) the most famous man on the planet and the Grandmaster of Twitter Trolls could come in very handy over here in Blighty now that 8 Labour MPs and 3 Conservative ones have joined forces in an effort to topple the government.

Trump would make short work of the independent 11. I first encountered the US President in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, a bizarre mix of saccharine Xmas Capitalism and ultraviolence. And part of me would love Trump to sort out Brexit and our political troubles. (Us British don’t seem to have a clue how to do it ourselves.)

Trump will storm into the Houses of Parliament, orange weave bobbing, looking every inch the movie star President and just start yelling at the independent 11 until they burst into tears.

“Plan’s sorted,” he’ll yell. At which point Miss May will meekly put her hand up and whisper “Sorry sir, which p-p-plan?”

“Listen bitch,” Trump will answer, “I’ve got a round of golf in Caledonian in four hours, then Scotland and Wales are paying for their walls.”

Knocking on tables.

Rapturous applause.

In all seriousness, Brexit must happen for the sake of British democracy. So Mr President, before you smash Bernie in 2020, come and lend us a hand. I know you’re not perfect, but you’re better than May and Corbyn. You never liked the EU anyway. It seems you’re the man to save us from our political strife .

All it takes is vision, Donald. You have my vote.