BY DOMINIC WIGHTMAN
When Lucifer fell from Heaven, he took 2400 evil angels with him. When they arrived at Hell, there were eleven princes of Hell, commanding 6,660,000 demons each.
Jesus so infuriated Lucifer. While the world was still a charnel house scarred by war and disease – Lucifer measuring his wicked conquests in blood and pain – Jesus’ insistence on secularism and his making clear that it came down to the duty of the rich as individuals to pass through the eye of the needle to enter Heaven made Luciferian chaos that much harder to manifest.
In some places order and neighbourliness thrived. The parable of the workers in the vineyard really stuck in Lucifer’s throat – a condoning of capitalism, which made total annihilation of humankind through totalitarian state control and the rise of the anti-Christ virtually impossible – if that great parable were to be heeded as Jesus intended.
Lucifer turned to his princes and asked for their ideas as he plotted the downfall of mankind and the victory of evil on earth.
“Yet more incubi and succubi,” declared one prince, unimaginatively.
“Nothing like famine to get the buggers warring,” declared a second.
“Isn’t it time to unleash Ebola? Perhaps a nasty false prophet?” another suggested.
Lucifer was thoroughly unimpressed with his princes’ answers.
“What about you, Asmodeus?” Lucifer asked one of his most evil princes. “How can we make sure we take with us as many of God’s people as we can?”
Asmodeus rocked back and forth in his chair beside the raging fire, stroking the singed hair of a tortured urchin. “Well, it’s some years before we launch Tony Blair and George Soros,” Asmodeus replied, “I suggest we burden the bastards with a few bouts of socialism.”
“Socialism?” Lucifer queried. “What the heaven is socialism?”
“Socialism is a truly cunning ploy,” Asmodeus replied. “Socialism is a way for good people to think they are being good – selfless and philanthropic even – when in fact they are contributing to increased misery and evil. It is based upon the fraud of equality of outcome and aspires to unattainable utopias – to heart not head. By its very nature Socialism augments envy and the chances of totalitarian rule, aspiring to an utterly impossible end state called Communism, which it never reaches as it exhausts funds and hope by then – just as an addict to heroin self-immolates. Its leaders may appear to start out with similar good intentions but soon they will learn to play the people’s emotions and not their brains. They shall steal individuality inch by inch from increasingly subjugated men and women – unable to resist getting power-drunk in the resultant cult while feeling deific as the socialist process gathers power and momentum. All socialists shall be declared equal, but some shall be more equal than others – enemies of the state dispatched or slaughtered. ”
“This sounds veritably dastardly,” Lucifer beamed. “Shouldn’t we throw in some identity politics so human beings self-destruct in a circular firing squad of nonsensical absolutism?”
“No, that comes later,” said Asmodeus. “That’s what I call Postmodern Neo Marxism.”
“That’s a crap name,” Lucifer chided his prince, “that will never catch on.”
“Ah you’ll be surprised, my most evil lord,” Asmodeus continued. “Human beings are witless creatures. A Yua Takeshita was born in Tokyo just yesterday, while in Wisconsin Jane Light conceived a son who shall be called Bud. Socialism will fail every time it gets tried – humans are that stupid. It will leave a huge body count in its wake – pools overflowing with blood and pits replete with bones and skulls. And yet every three generations a whole new batch of Year Zero useful idiots will come along and try it all over again. It’s a win-win for us. As poverty declines and peace proliferates under capitalism, so income inequality will grow, and it is the envy that such wealth gaps create that Socialism exploits – helped on by our creation of a few odious crapitalists. Envy is the seedbed for each new generation of socialists.”
“Brilliant,” Lucifer shouted to the annoyance of the other, resentful princes. “Asmodeus you are an evil genius. I particularly love the part about income inequality. Humans are far too brittle and stupid to realise that underlying wealth increases across the board and thus poverty declines when top incomes soar. You have outdone yourself. An ingenious con. We must ensure that we send to earth some nasty demons to manifest this Socialism. Have you got any ideas on that front, prince?”
“Yes,” replied Asmodeus, “I have thought of that too, lord. We must dress our socialist demons in shell suits and beards, so they portray the harmless, deadbeat grandpas of the disaffected. Incarnate them as bus drivers, supply teachers and trainee catholic priests to appear paper-tiger and selfless when in fact they are latent sociopaths. And teach them that even when there is no enemy they should manufacture one through conspiracy and rumour-mongering, so their useful idiots see rhyme and reason to all things even when socialism is manifesting maximum chaos by running against the grain of individuality and variety which make the humans succeed. We all hate it when humans negotiate and agree peacefully in the name of free market capitalism via their natural propensity for trade-off.”
“Start sending the socialists immediately, Asmodeus,” Lucifer commanded. “Give them their beards and shell-suits. Be even bolder. Give them allotments and make them train-spotters or – haha – make them admirers of drain and manhole covers.”
“Your wish is my command, Dark Prince,” Asmodeus answered. “I have a particularly nasty, bearded prototype who I have called Fidel since he’s such a faithful demon. Then there’s another dark and evil creation who I’ve called Schicklgruber. I’m sending him to Austria.”
“Schicklgruber?” Lucifer chuckled. “Schicklgruber sounds like a sausage. Have the evil one’s father born out of wedlock. Bastards produce the nastiest bastards. Then have him use his stepfather’s name so he sounds like a bully. Herr Thug, Puncher, Beater, Hitter ….something along those lines. I know…..let’s call him Hitler and make his party sound nasty.”