Dear Remoaners


Dear Remoaners,

I wanted to take this opportunity to apologise on behalf of fellow Brexiteers who have spent the past days gloating. I empathise completely. With them of course. In fact I am shocked that there hasn’t been more sneering from fellow winners.

For you losers have thoroughly disgraced our country and deserve all the grief you are getting – for over three years you have trashed the concept of British Democracy, caused us haunting pain and, in the process, cost Britain the global reputation we once enjoyed for fair play; for making do and battening down the hatches. You have caused a Brit versus Brit shit-show that was wholly unavoidable.

Imagine if the boot were on the other foot. Imagine if Jacob Rees-Mogg had just lost his Somerset seat after standing on a pro-Brexit ticket after you had won the EU referendum. You would hardly imagine anything so preposterous. Would you not now rub it in? Over and over? Imagine we had called you racist, thick, bigoted and imperialist – cheering your deaths via a sinister Brexiteer death counter.

So you so owe us these days of glee and gloat (and hopefully our happiness will last many days and weeks) reliving over and over the electoral fate of Anna Soubry, Dominic Grieve, Chuka Umunna and Jo Swinson. If you want to know how it feels – every morning is like reaching into a Christmas stocking and pulling out a sack of chocolate gold coins and a Nirvana-scented satsuma. There is a shine on our gammon cheeks that we can’t seem to wash off. Our football teams can be 4-0 down and still there is a smile on our faces – we beam from deep inside.

Chapeau to the likes of Alastair Campbell and Lord Heseltine who – in the face of the election shellacking – have finally admitted defeat and officially conceded. Again, hats off to those from the cult of Continuity Remain who have ditched their ridiculous #FBPE hashtags and terminated their Lady Hale spiders. Good riddance to booming Steve Bray and his silly top hat – if only Gina Miller similarly took the hint and buggered off.

It is sad that we have not seen more apologies from Remoaners who became terror apologists and anti-Semites for the day on Thursday just to oppose the unstoppable tide of Brexiteer votes. Let the curse of Madeleina Kay’s music accompany their shame this Christmas….

It is just not British to complain in the face of victory, just as it is just not British to gloat in victory, but these last three years have removed the former principle and so now, for a while at least, the overwhelming preponderance of Karma dictates we should forget the latter.

2020 is a new year and a clean slate. We learnt from History how gloating for too long ends – as hopefully now you are learning from recent History how Democracy matters. So we shall embrace you, fellow Britons, if you start the new year full of enthusiasm and hope. Re-engage with your people and let’s win a great future alongside our European friends. Let’s see Corbyn and Momentum vanish like a bad dream. Those of you on the centre Left should work towards assembling a coherent opposition whilst ostracising the Sarkars, Jones and Bastani loons – even though power is new to Mr Johnson, we all know how eventually power drives even the greatest leaders around the bend.

One day the memory of your resistance shall fade, and we shall let you forget it. Until then, dear friends, what the f**k possessed you? Can you ever explain those choirs, those court cases, those nude protests, the Remoaner Morris Dancers or all that endless wailing? But most of all how will you ever explain this …