BY DOMINIC WIGHTMAN

Right now the world is teeming with conspiracy theories. From 5G masts to Bill Gates taking the blame for Coronavirus, from 9/11 truthers to those of the ten plagues who swear by the fiction that is the Book of Revelation. We are stuck at home, on the Web more than usual, and thus it is increasingly difficult to escape the four percent, their bunkum and fake news.

Rife amongst these conspiracy theories is one that Her Majesty is a Reptilian. Especially across the timelines of South Americans, the Queen is portrayed as a shape-shifting alien who can survive anything, as if she ought to die from coronavirus. It seems David Icke has been lapped up by certain South American countries who still love to post anything anti-British as if to bury memories of 1982 – it seems the Colombians have still not forgotten that penalty shoot-out in 2018.

Explaining the ridiculousness of such theories to cranks or bigots is as pointless as explaining the fallacy of the Magic Money Tree to flip-top-headed Corbynites or pointing out to bleeding heart free border loons their child refugees are in their twenties. Frankly the Reptilian theory is even more absurd than supporting Durham in the boat race or succumbing to the religion of identity politics – cheering on Lyotard’s boys in leotards easily winning at girls’ sports events.

Icke, who first published on the reptilian theme in his 1999 work The Biggest Secret, claims that tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system, now hiding in underground bases, are the force behind a worldwide conspiracy against humanity. He contends that most of the world’s ancient and modern leaders are related to these reptilians, including the Merovingian dynasty, the Rothschilds, the Bush family and the British Royal family. This claptrap is why Her Majesty is caught up in all kinds of reptilian memes and insults – how very unfair for her.

What happened to treason, Icke? You muppet.

I used to leave question marks on the timelines of the South Americans who tainted our Queen with the reptilian smear. Occasionally I would drop in a photograph of Leopoldo Galtieri or the capture of Eichmann. Then I learned that there was no point – the uneducated are more inured to conspiracy theories than the educated. I recall a chat with a carpenter in Monagas, Venezuela, who was knocking up a desk for me – “You are from England. So you come from the land of Hitler?” One is better off adopting an enigmatic smile than offering an illuminating retort. One hardly chides a dog that has stolen a ham by imparting wisdom through Aesop’s fables.

What to do with the conspiracy theorists?

The 5G crowd are causing financial damage in their mast destruction just as 9/11 truthers caused emotional damage to survivors and their families. There are medical staff around the world spreading all kinds of twaddle that will result in some citizens taking Covid-19 less seriously. Sue them.

Surely, just as we were taught in History lessons to classify primary and secondary sources, the education of children today should centre around source validation. Construct validity is vital to science and so it should be crucial in the syllabi of other subjects. When children are able to discern the invalidity of conspiracy theories in front of their gullible parents, then perhaps the four percent will dwindle to three or two.

Dominic Wightman is Editor of Country Squire Magazine.