BY NIKKI WILDE
- Sir Max Strapley – octogenarian head of the local Conservatives with a penchant for sherry and golf. Once got in trouble with the police for straying onto a village footpath from his garden carrying a Purdey Over and Under which he pointed at ramblers.
- Bob Quince – the local publican. Retired policeman from the Big Smoke full of tales of derring-do. Built like a wardrobe and sharp-tongued about the village ne’er do wells, who have no choice but to spend their ill-gotten gains at his pub or else.
- Reverend Mary – the vicar. Used to carry a Communist card, single after a couple of divorces. Not comfortable around men or capitalists. Shampoo obviously not a priority. Every second word is community. Every third is cake. Brings Trump up a lot in sermons and is knitting a pussy hat.
- Basil Baldock – retired librarian. A bachelor who rarely leaves his cottage, except to clean and polish his Nissan Micra and to buy sugar at the village stores. Drives off at strange hours wearing binoculars round his neck. Avoids you in the next town’s Tesco Superstore. Could be a twitcher or a terrorist.
- Dominique Thomas – in her twenties, blonde and attractive. Drives a blacked-out Golf on low suspension. New man every month. Talks about TOWIE and is permanently on her phone. Last resort babysitter. Often in tears. Stinks of Burberry Eau de Parfum. Kissed Donna Lau for a dare at a Christmas Party.
- Nick Black – the only gay in the village. Lovely fellow who wears huge jumpers and round specs. Very single. Hoping to be picked up by a Magnum lookalike in a passing Ferrari but it never happens. Rumoured to be a virgin. Works as a part-time book-keeper and helps out behind the bar at the local pub.
- Donna Lau – Chinese widow who loves entertaining. Has a love of red wine and cherry chocolate liqueurs. Revolving door of visitors and black bags of party rubbish which are often getting nibbled open by foxes. Rumoured to be having an affair with Bob Quince. Amazing Chinese dumplings. Always asking for a man’s help.
- Les Catchpole – a man of the night. The local poacher looks like a ferret and smells like one. Paying a peppercorn rent to the local landowner in exchange for favours. Doesn’t know what car tax is and brews a vicious moonshine in his garden shed. Avoided by Nick Black. On the chef’s credit at the local pub.
- Jim Clarke – stockbroker who owns the Manor but spends his weekdays up in the Chelsea flat. Range Rover driver with a passion for horses. Can be found at the pub on Six Nations match day getting in the rounds and clasping Dominique Thomas rather too close for comfort. Funded the church roof appeal almost single-handed.
- Mildred Baker – runs the village store and post office. GCHQ of the village. Knows it all. Bosoms the size of Everest and a Labrador called Gibson. Once voted BNP but now a fan of UKIP. Knocked out a robber with a bottle of Bells and got her photograph in the local paper. No time at all for wastrels.