May Oop North

BY BEN PENSANT Three weeks ago Theresa May visited Newcastle. Yes, really. Not content with squatting in PM Jezza’s house for the past twelve months she also craps all over his proud history by delivering a sermon to the proles from the same venue that hosted one of his greatest triumphs. Indeed, the assorted resting actors, non-binary creatives and unemployed craft beer entrepreneurs who witnessed Jezza’s … Continue reading May Oop North

Peeping Social Media Police

BY BEN PENSANT As a died-in-the-wool regressive it’s not often I have anything good to say about the filth. When they’re not harassing the black community or choking drug-dealers to death, they’re pepper-spraying peaceful protesters. To be frank, until recently I was quite content for PM Corbyn to abolish the police altogether and introduce voluntary ‘community peacekeepers’, an idea floated by socialist demigod Dan Arel, … Continue reading Peeping Social Media Police

White Man Views Black Panther

BY BEN PENSANT Well, I finally did it. After respectfully waiting a fortnight to give the ethnic community of Newcastle the best chance of seeing their lives on-screen for the first time, yesterday I dug out my Cameo t-shirt, stole a tenner from my grandma’s purse, and ventured to the nearest multiplex to see the most important movie ever made. Sadly, the only screening of Dreamworks’ Latino-centric Cocoa clashed with Judge Rinder so instead I opted for the most micro-unaggressive … Continue reading White Man Views Black Panther

Dear Working Class Women

BY BEN PENSANT Dear ladies. Dear, dear ladies, Your lot has suddenly become really difficult, especially those of you lucky enough to have crawled out from under the weight of Turkey Twizzlers to find gainful employment looking pretty and flashing your tits. I’ve no doubt you watched in dismay as your jobs vanished overnight, bringing joy to middle-class feminists who spend their lives railing against … Continue reading Dear Working Class Women

Why the Left Hate

BY BEN PENSANT As a card-carrying leftist, I’m often asked why I despise the right so much. It’s a fascinating question with a variety of intelligent answers, though my personal favourite is ‘f*** off, you fascist melt’. But considering the chronic inability of righties to empathise, feel compassion or argue their points without resorting to abuse, it’s baffling why anyone wouldn’t hate them. Indeed, from regularly … Continue reading Why the Left Hate

Woody Allen – Guilty!

BY BEN PENSANT From inventing a racism epidemic by pretending hate crime reports are the same as convictions to demanding heads roll because a researcher claims an MP once leered at her while she ate a Pepperami, modern progressives love nothing more than taking a huge dump on due process. Luckily, while our legal system stubbornly refuses to imprison people just because Twitter tells them … Continue reading Woody Allen – Guilty!

White Men Must Die

BY BEN PENSANT Let’s talk about the white man. He can’t help himself can he? Coasting through life, paying for nothing, shoving his wealth in minority faces like a privileged peacock flaunting its voluminous plumage in front of a one-legged pigeon covered in sticky Tizer. But as if that wasn’t problematic enough, he now thinks he has the Allah-given right to debase social media by … Continue reading White Men Must Die

The G

BY BEN PENSANT Every true liberal loves The Guardian. There’s been surveys and everything. Sure, the relationship between principled progressives and Britain’s favourite left-wing love-sheet has been somewhat rocky during the Corbyn years, and no-one has been more vociferous than me in demanding the paper’s subversive elements are dealt with in the strongest possible manner. (Or at the very least sent regular death threats on … Continue reading The G

Lucky Uganda

BY BEN PENSANT It’s easy to grow despondent with the standard of post-referendum political debate. For every AC Grayling who argues his pro-EU point with grace, humour and hysterical contempt for people he disagrees with, there’s a Julia Hartley-Brexiter spouting xenophobic bile with little regard for the middle-class Guardian-readers offended by her existence. Thankfully, when it comes to reasoned discourse, The New European has been … Continue reading Lucky Uganda

Some Of My Best Friends Aren’t Black

BY BEN PENSANT ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character’ Martin Luther King, August 28, 1963. As any proponent of identity politics and cultural Marxism knows all too well, the above quote is a load of shit. Dreams are dangerous. Since joining the … Continue reading Some Of My Best Friends Aren’t Black

Society of the Perpetually Offended

BY BEN PENSANT Unless you’ve been asleep for the last month you can’t fail to have noticed Stop Funding Hate breaking the internet after self-righteously hounding Paperchase and Pizza Hut for doing promotions with newspapers they don’t like. As a result, they’ve been recruiting new supporters daily, some of whom have even read up on the campaign, and SFH’s stated aim of political censorship-via-corporate blackmail. … Continue reading Society of the Perpetually Offended

When a Man Loathes a Woman

BY BEN PENSANT Donald Trump has done some truly despicable things. From deporting transgender soldiers to mocking a disabled beauty queen, from building a wall around Charlottesville to grabbing his daughter’s p****, there are few depths this dangerous knave hasn’t plumbed in the name of white supremacy. Yet just when we think he can’t stoop any lower, he horrifies us again with his alarming capacity … Continue reading When a Man Loathes a Woman

Stop Funding Hate Censor & Suck

BY BEN PENSANT Every now and then a heart-warming example of human endeavour allows you to fleetingly forget the horror of being alive today. And my day was brightened by one such example last week when I read about the brave Dutchman who took on a supermarket chain over their micro-aggressive positioning of hate-filled newspapers where customers can see them. ‘Dear @waitrose, could you put … Continue reading Stop Funding Hate Censor & Suck

Tear the Statues Down!

BY BEN PENSANT Is there anything the far left love more than doctoring history? From the holocaust and The Great Purge to 9/11 and the 2017 general election, give us a documented event that messes with our narrative and we’ll move hell or high water to pretend it didn’t happen that way. And if hell or high water refuse to budge we’ll take a metal pole to them until they darn well do. But brave US leftists have recently taken this one step … Continue reading Tear the Statues Down!

BBC3 is Marvellous

BY BEN PENSANT There are few institutions more infuriatingly disappointing than the BBC. On paper the Beeb should be cherished by progressives everywhere: state-owned, publicly funded, impeccably PC and overwhelmingly staffed by the kind of people who suffer recurring nightmares about post-Brexit hate crime and Islington kale droughts. Yet it can’t help but let itself down with its rampant anti-Corbynism, regularly smearing and disrespecting the … Continue reading BBC3 is Marvellous

The Half Story of Owen Jones

BY BEN PENSANT I’m sure I wasn’t the only Corbynite awoken from their post-Loose Women nap some weeks ago by a flurry of social media alerts informing me something amazing had happened. As I checked my phone my mind buzzed with intrigue: Was Katie Hopkins dead? Were Chumbawamba reforming? Had PM Corbyn trebled Income Support so I can continue to spend my afternoons watching Bargain … Continue reading The Half Story of Owen Jones

The Two Faces of Linehan

BY BEN PENSANT Has there ever been a better time to be a progressive? From Labour’s stunning election victory to Theresa May’s nervous breakdown, it seems the good news never stops. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever so it was with great sadness I recently learnt wounded Republican congressman Steve Scalise – shot three weeks ago by brave Bernie Sanders obsessive James Hodgkinson – had been discharged from hospital, his condition described as ‘fair’. Typical. No … Continue reading The Two Faces of Linehan