An Open Letter to Glinner

BY BEN PENSANT Dear Graham, Oh dear, Graham. What the hell happened? As Samuel L. Fishbone said to Al Pacino in Jackie Burns before shooting him in the chest: “You used to be beautiful…”. And I don’t just mean beautiful, like Noam Chomsky in a tutu kicking a Zionist’s shin. I mean really beautiful, like an ethically sourced whale-spunk omelette washed down with a shot … Continue reading An Open Letter to Glinner

Ah Sweden!

BY BEN PENSANT I was delighted to learn of the new twists taken in the heart-warming story of Swedish airplane hero Ellen Eriksson If you’re anything like me you’ll have marvelled at courageous Ellen’s refusal to sit down on a plane until an Afghan asylum seeker facing deportation was removed. And you were probably also horrified by the alt-right bigots who immediately piped up with … Continue reading Ah Sweden!

Stop Harassing Us Lefties

BY BEN PENSANT It is just unfair that anyone other than us Leftists can use social media to stop funding hate. I am referring to the recent case of James Gunn and other cases that the right have won against us using OUR social media. Sadly, mere weeks after Hollywood bosses correctly removed Scarlett Johannesburg from a transgender gangster biopic because she’s never possessed a … Continue reading Stop Harassing Us Lefties

Beware Friends Fest

BY BEN PENSANT A rotten freakshow rocked up in my hometown of Newcastle the other week, striking fear into the hearts of frigid Gender Studies professors everywhere. Friends Fest came to town. Or rather, ‘Fascist Fest’. For the uninitiated, Friends was a white supremacist ‘sitcom’ that debuted on Channel 5 in 1992, turning a generation of vulnerable youngsters into racist, fat-shaming, transphobic, misogynists. I was 14 when it first … Continue reading Beware Friends Fest

May Oop North

BY BEN PENSANT Three weeks ago Theresa May visited Newcastle. Yes, really. Not content with squatting in PM Jezza’s house for the past twelve months she also craps all over his proud history by delivering a sermon to the proles from the same venue that hosted one of his greatest triumphs. Indeed, the assorted resting actors, non-binary creatives and unemployed craft beer entrepreneurs who witnessed Jezza’s … Continue reading May Oop North

Peeping Social Media Police

BY BEN PENSANT As a died-in-the-wool regressive it’s not often I have anything good to say about the filth. When they’re not harassing the black community or choking drug-dealers to death, they’re pepper-spraying peaceful protesters. To be frank, until recently I was quite content for PM Corbyn to abolish the police altogether and introduce voluntary ‘community peacekeepers’, an idea floated by socialist demigod Dan Arel, … Continue reading Peeping Social Media Police

White Man Views Black Panther

BY BEN PENSANT Well, I finally did it. After respectfully waiting a fortnight to give the ethnic community of Newcastle the best chance of seeing their lives on-screen for the first time, yesterday I dug out my Cameo t-shirt, stole a tenner from my grandma’s purse, and ventured to the nearest multiplex to see the most important movie ever made. Sadly, the only screening of Dreamworks’ Latino-centric Cocoa clashed with Judge Rinder so instead I opted for the most micro-unaggressive … Continue reading White Man Views Black Panther

Dear Working Class Women

BY BEN PENSANT Dear ladies. Dear, dear ladies, Your lot has suddenly become really difficult, especially those of you lucky enough to have crawled out from under the weight of Turkey Twizzlers to find gainful employment looking pretty and flashing your tits. I’ve no doubt you watched in dismay as your jobs vanished overnight, bringing joy to middle-class feminists who spend their lives railing against … Continue reading Dear Working Class Women

Why the Left Hate

BY BEN PENSANT As a card-carrying leftist, I’m often asked why I despise the right so much. It’s a fascinating question with a variety of intelligent answers, though my personal favourite is ‘f*** off, you fascist melt’. But considering the chronic inability of righties to empathise, feel compassion or argue their points without resorting to abuse, it’s baffling why anyone wouldn’t hate them. Indeed, from regularly … Continue reading Why the Left Hate

Woody Allen – Guilty!

BY BEN PENSANT From inventing a racism epidemic by pretending hate crime reports are the same as convictions to demanding heads roll because a researcher claims an MP once leered at her while she ate a Pepperami, modern progressives love nothing more than taking a huge dump on due process. Luckily, while our legal system stubbornly refuses to imprison people just because Twitter tells them … Continue reading Woody Allen – Guilty!

White Men Must Die

BY BEN PENSANT Let’s talk about the white man. He can’t help himself can he? Coasting through life, paying for nothing, shoving his wealth in minority faces like a privileged peacock flaunting its voluminous plumage in front of a one-legged pigeon covered in sticky Tizer. But as if that wasn’t problematic enough, he now thinks he has the Allah-given right to debase social media by … Continue reading White Men Must Die

The G

BY BEN PENSANT Every true liberal loves The Guardian. There’s been surveys and everything. Sure, the relationship between principled progressives and Britain’s favourite left-wing love-sheet has been somewhat rocky during the Corbyn years, and no-one has been more vociferous than me in demanding the paper’s subversive elements are dealt with in the strongest possible manner. (Or at the very least sent regular death threats on … Continue reading The G

Lucky Uganda

BY BEN PENSANT It’s easy to grow despondent with the standard of post-referendum political debate. For every AC Grayling who argues his pro-EU point with grace, humour and hysterical contempt for people he disagrees with, there’s a Julia Hartley-Brexiter spouting xenophobic bile with little regard for the middle-class Guardian-readers offended by her existence. Thankfully, when it comes to reasoned discourse, The New European has been … Continue reading Lucky Uganda

Some Of My Best Friends Aren’t Black

BY BEN PENSANT ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character’ Martin Luther King, August 28, 1963. As any proponent of identity politics and cultural Marxism knows all too well, the above quote is a load of shit. Dreams are dangerous. Since joining the … Continue reading Some Of My Best Friends Aren’t Black