BY FRANK HAVILAND As Dirty Harry famously put it, opinions are like arseholes: everybody’s got one. Celebrity opinions on the other hand are more like Hugh Grant electoral endorsements: amusing curios, with all the efficacy of oral sex from Siri. So forgive me if I can’t get too excited about December’s angst-ridden multi-millionaire, ‘Stormzy’, or Michael Ebenazer Kwadjo Omari Owuo Jr., as I prefer to … Continue reading Brits Are Not Racist
BY FRANK HAVILAND Gaining 66 seats, and securing the Conservative Party’s largest majority since Margaret Thatcher, Boris Johnson has reclaimed the keys to Number 10 while dispelling any remaining questions on the legitimacy of his tenancy. As the smoke clears from election night celebrations, it’s time to take stock of where we are. Britain has emphatically rejected Corbynism, but it’s more than just the naked … Continue reading The Watershed Election
BY FRANK HAVILAND The year is 2029. Britain has yet to leave the European Union, but is getting really bloody close to a deal for full, non-member membership. Realignment with Europe has come surprisingly cheap. Thanks to the unique negotiation skills of the Liberal Democrats, UK Plc has only had to hand over 90% of its laws, intelligence, fisheries, and grant a veto on any … Continue reading Britain 2029
BY FRANK HAVILAND As some of our more myopic MPs will tell you, there’s never a copper around when you need one. They must be looking in the wrong places. Sadiq Khan tweets a good police cut, but always keeps half a dozen burly officers stashed under his mattress, ready to accompany him on walkabout around London. Never forget: ‘diversity is our strength’, except when … Continue reading Policing Pronouns
BY FRANK HAVILAND There are no words in the English Language sufficiently benign that the Left will not market them as a form of hatred. Pity our poor Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, whose lexicon has recently been denuded to the tune of ‘humbug’ and ‘surrender’. Christmas at Number 10 is going to be a rum affair this year I fear. Not only will Bojo wince … Continue reading Dark Days Ahead?
BY FRANK HAVILAND Of all the pandemics the world has faced, equality may be the most dangerous. Not egalitarian principles or equal rights (which I fully support), but enforced equality: the notion that people must be equal. In the post-truth age, facts are only relative to the sympathy you can garner pretending to be offended by them; truth is out, social constructs are in. Intelligence … Continue reading Gender Wars: Penguin Edition
BY FRANK HAVILAND Society’s foremost duty must be to protect the innocent and the vulnerable. In the age of perpetual victimhood however, the lines are so blurred we no longer get it right. Instead the indefensible is now defended: treacherous politicians who slander their own voters; middle-class deadbeats who spend their gap-year with ISIS; and child rapists, traumatised by the unwelcome advances of Tommy Robinson’s … Continue reading Abigail
BY FRANK HAVILAND Unlicensed alcohol sales were dealt a tragic blow last month, as BBC prohibition finally called time on This Week: the late night speakeasy masquerading as a political show. After 16 years and countless bottles of Blue Nun, the cult after-hours watering hole has closed its doors for the last time. Chief bartender, Andrew Neil, is a refined cocktail himself: part avuncular host, … Continue reading Neil Down
BY FRANK HAVILAND There isn’t much left which isn’t racist. Managing to avoid it can be quite a challenge. Everything from your morning coffee to the weather is racism embodied. My personal favourites include: sandwiches, classical music, dating sites, science, being white, having a white family, disliking foreign food, liking foreign food, staring at people, not staring at people, and of course not being racist … Continue reading Equality Lie Violation
BY ANDREW MOODY Witty, cleverly structured, argued and written, Frank Haviland’s BANALYSIS is driven by the same exasperated tone of the TV presenter in the classic 1970s movie NETWORK. “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Once, the author hopes, just this once, the truth will finally be told about the way the world really operates. It is only easy … Continue reading Banalysis
BY FRANK HAVILAND Last Saturday’s events in Oldham may have died down but the underlying tensions are still simmering. For those who missed it, Tommy Robinson’s MEP election campaign rally was besieged by balaclava-wearing Muslim thugs, who casually threw bottles and bricks while under police escort. The media trotted out the usual headlines, doing their best to confuse as to who was doing the attacking, … Continue reading Milkshakes & Hypocrisy
BY FRANK HAVILAND I have to confess, as an unforgivably straight white male, the list of things I must be offended by keeps me up at night. Last week alone, I had a harrowing time trying to reconcile why my two-year-old is not demonstrably transgender; downplay suspicions that my pet goldfish is a closet Tommy Robinson supporter, and decide whether eating an LGBT BLT sandwich … Continue reading Great British Baker Offence
BY FRANK HAVILAND The accolade of ‘Britain’s worst MP’ is fiercely contested at the quietest of times. In these days of open treachery and blistering incompetence though, you have to really go some to be in the running. Cue David Lammy, the one-man race awareness course, who occasionally moonlights as the Labour MP for Tottenham. Despite being a mere backbencher, Lammy is rarely out of … Continue reading Lamentable Lammy
BY FRANK HAVILAND Just days away from the hallowed Brexit date of March 29th and we may be redefining the nation’s future on an hourly basis. As we near the crescendo to the most interminable 3 years’ procrastination, and the worst negotiation since Lady Godiva’s tailor agreed to be paid by the stitch, Great Britain is now in the position where absolutely no one knows … Continue reading Letwin Coup Irrelevant
BY FRANK HAVILAND Terror attacks are now sadly so ubiquitous, there is usually little left to say which wasn’t said last time, or which won’t be recycled the next. Indeed, many politicians appear to be doing little more than a cut and paste job these days, with the affected grief a trifle harder to muster each occasion the cameras demand it. Perhaps the only thing … Continue reading Thoughts on Christchurch
BY FRANK HAVILAND It’s a well-known fact that heavyweight encounters rarely live up to the hype. Promoters are often guilty of allowing things to marinate until both sides are well past their sell-by dates. The long-awaited clash between Islam and gay rights however, may prove to be the exception; provided the rainbow corner comes to fight of course. I always suspected we’d get there with … Continue reading A Test for the Unholy Alliance
BY FRANK HAVILAND The first duty of government is to protect its citizens. You can map the decline of a nation simply by its inability to uphold the laws founded for such a purpose. Britain is now failing this litmus test with alarming regularity. Westminster is now perfectly willing to ignore its largest ever democratic vote, overlook the carnage on the streets of London lest … Continue reading From Caliphate to Welfare State
BY FRANK HAVILAND With the best will in the world, it’s hard to sympathise with Diane Abbott. For the record, I don’t possess that will. Nevertheless, I did my utmost to read her ‘woe is me’ whinge-fest in the Independent last week with impartiality. It wasn’t easy. The Hackney MP has had her ample plumage ruffled once again, this time by ‘racist’ mistreatment at the … Continue reading The Patron Saint of Victimhood
BY FRANK HAVILAND I don’t consider myself a royalist, at least not in the traditional sense. I don’t know the names of the minor ones. I wouldn’t enter a Starbuck’s queue to watch Trooping of the Colour. Meghan who? However, I do admire the Queen enormously for her dedicated service to the nation. I believe Princess Margaret’s morning routine is the standard to live by. … Continue reading Great Prince
BY FRANK HAVILAND If you’re the proud owner of a penis you’ll be no stranger to vilification. Male babies who stoically refuse to cry are quite rightly welcomed into the world by a good slap from the head nurse; a salutary life lesson for things to come. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you: men are useless. They can’t iron, can’t ask for directions, can’t cook, … Continue reading In Defence of Toxic Masculinity
